DatingForSensitives

HSP, highly sensitive person, Aspergers syndrome, relationship skills, coaching, shy, coaching, therapy, help, support, well-being

Dating Tips for Sensitives

Step One: Discovery. The first responsibility of every sensitive is to discern the specific nature of their sensitivity and how it affects them:

How does your sensitivity show up physically, emotionally and energetically?

How what unique limitations and abilities does this sensitivity provide you?

What do you need from others and yourself to cope well and be at your best?

Once you have this information you are in a position to do two very important things that every sensitive needs to learn:

Educate those close to you about your sensitivity and how it affects you.

Take conscious care to respect your sensitivity.

Step Two: Imagine and Complementary Relationship. Once you know how your sensitivity shows up in your life it is time to dream outside the box.

Make a list of all the things someone else can do to bring you a sense of value and well-being. Hopefully you are attracted to the people that can and want to do at least some of these things for and with you because otherwise you are in for a lot of pain.

Create complementary scenarios in your mind of how a balanced, loving and healthy relationship might exist between you and someone you are attracted to. For example, perhaps you are the sensitive one who helps your partner reconnect with their feelings, while they are the tough one who helps you cope with the world? Or you like to stay at home and do quiet house chores, while they are more engaged with other logistics. Or if your sensitivity is intuition perhaps they become your business manager in a psychic business. The only criteria is finding a win/win balance that involves both people being very nourished and happy as they are.

Continue with this process until you have at least five scenarios that you could imagine working really well. It is valuable to look deeply into this and beyond the normal judgments of the culture. There are people who will find just about any scenario attractive for reasons you may initially find hard to imagine.

Step Three: Put Your Dream Into Form. Don’t just settle for vagaries such as “a rich and complex romantic situation.” Look at your daily and weekly routine, your preferences to live alone or apart, the things you want to talk about and the things you don’t want to talk about.

Create an “ideal week” in detail for at least one of your scenarios.

Notice what you may or may not be willing to move around in your life for this relationship.

Make it clear enough that if someone was to say “yes” to one of your scenarios they would know exactly what they were saying “yes” to.

Note: As a general rule men will appreciate a woman who makes a clear and specific invitation, if they are interested. Women can feel a bit more on the spot, which means that if you are a man it is still important to get clear on your boundaries and availability, but you may not want to present that information in detail at first. For women, present the information and a man that is attracted to you will generally appreciate you for showing you how to win in relationship to you.

Step Four: Ask For What You Want! Now that you know what you want and some ways that could work for you, be willing to put it out there. Some ideas for doing so include:

Build a personal web site (my website www.DaneEasterRose.com is an example of a site that helps people see me clearly to assess compatibility).

Create a social card with your photo on it, your contact name and a few highlights about what you want.

Put some clear personal adds up on Craigs List and OKcupid.com.

Consider what venues for meeting someone best suits your sensitivity. Being the shy and awkward one at a party may leave you looking unattractive. Being the organizer of a quiet evening, the partner on a relaxed walk, or having an uninterrupted phone call may be more your thing.

Create several copies of a written hand out detailing what you want to give away at singles events.

Go to workshops by The Human Awareness Institute to both learn communication skills and connect with other conscious individuals.

Ask for what you want clearly and ask what your date wants early on in a relationship.

Compare notes with a potential partner at: www.MeasureYourRelationship.com to get clear on the subtleties of your differences.

Step Five: Prepare Strategies for Managing Stimulation in Advance: As sensitive people there are certain environments that are comfortable for others that are over-stimulating to us. This can take the form of not liking the environment at all or liking it but for a much shorter period of time, or only when we are alone and do not have the added stimulation of company. Since our bodies look just like every other body it is not natural for less sensitive people to see or understand this about us. We need to educate them and find win/win strategies for taking good care of ourselves.

Identify environments that over-stimulate you and clearly explain these to your partner so that they are aware of your preferences before you go there together.

Make a clear agreement of how your over-stimulation will be handled that is truly win/win. If you are at a party that could be something along the lines of taking separate cars so you can each leave when you are ready, or an agreement that you will spend time alone that day, or that at any point if you give a specific signal they will stop what they are doing and take you home without resentment. Find what truly works.

Identify ideal environments for you that you want to visit with a partner. Make sure when you are selecting a friend/lover that they are someone that will appreciate you taking them to these environments.

Make sure that if there are compromises being made that you take turns going to ideal spaces for you.

Use a 1-10 scale to communicate how much discomfort you are in. A less sensitive person may assume that when you say you are uncomfortable that it is extremely minor, say a 2 or a 3, when in fact for you it is a 9 or a 10. Don’t assume your partner knows just how uncomfortable you are without telling them or you may allow them to accidentally hurt you much more than they realize in ways that are hard for the relationship to recover from.

Have the courage to be selfish and stand up for your well-being. You have compromised, been misunderstood, blamed and punished enough for your sensitivity. Find people that value the upsides and give yourself space to be you without apology!

Agree to take space and maintain the practical tools to easily separate whenever your needs are different together. Respect this need and plan for it, whether you are on a road trip, at one another’s houses or at an event together.

Step Six: Practice! Healthy, sustainable and amazing relationships are a high-stakes game that require skill and willingness on both sides. It takes two people to say "yes" to relating and only one to say "no." Don’t wait until your perfect match comes along to make all your mistakes with. Here are some ideas to practice key relationship skills.

Go to experiential workshops in relationship.

Work with a therapist or confidant to bring up difficult conversations with them that you ultimately want to have with your partner.

Make a list of the skills you want to learn and practice and decide how you want to do that.

Invite people to go on practice dates with you that are less about mutual attraction and more about learning to see and do things in new ways.

Create a non-sexual cuddle buddy to learn more about your body, boundaries, and being clear about what you want.

Go to CuddleParty.com to practice cuddling and communicating in a safe group setting.

Step Seven: Coach and Refine: Relationships are like planes, that require constant feedback about where they are in relation to the chosen goal. You can certainly change your destination mid-flight if you are both clear you want to do that, but otherwise it is critical to provide constant feedback about how on course you both are. This can take the form of criticisms when you lose direction, praise when you hit the target, or both. The best relationships involve people who are regularly in communication about both what is and is not working for them.

Make a point to give one another at least 10 appreciations a day.

Let your partner know when something they are doing is causing you pain: “May I share something difficult with you right now? (If not, take space then.) When you turned on the radio at that volume without checking with me I felt inconsidered and it is hurting my ears an 8 out of 10. Are you willing to turn it off and find another way to increase our enjoyment together?”

Check in with yourself about what is happening. Ask yourself the questions: “If I were being truly loving to myself right now, what would I do?” This is not just a short-term question, but a balance between the short-term and the long-term consequences of your action. Another question is: “What would need to change in me, my environment and my partner for my pleasure in this moment to increase?”

Use this information to make requests: “It would be a 10 out of 10 for me if you were willing to give me a silent foot-rub for the next ten minutes at just the pressure I like. Are you willing to do this?” Let your partner know how to win.

In conclusion, always keep in mind that a healthy relationship exists and sustains itself not out of guilt, fear or just because one person wants it to. A healthy, sustainable relationship exists because both people honestly believe that being in relationship with one another brings them more value than the costs in time, money and emotional/mental/physical effort required to create and sustain that relationship. For a relationship to survive in a healthy way and generate the energy that it needs to continually recreate itself in valuable ways both people need to receive more value from the relationship than the price they pay. And for other possibilities not to weaken and distract a relationship it needs to be valuable enough to both people that it is easy to say “no” to the thousands of possibilities we all have for enjoying our time, alone or with others.

When we take the time to understand ourselves and those we love we can know what creates and destroys value not only for us but for them. Then we are in a position to make choices every day that mutually increase the value in our relationships. Then it is natural for the time we spend to be filled with joy, excitement, love, safety, respect and appreciation. These energies are even more important for sensitive people then they are for everyone else because most of us feel both pain and joy more intensely. As such, it is self-respecting for you to take the lead, if you must, in educating and guiding your relationship in ways that truly enhance things for you both.

Dane E. Colby, Spring 2010

Coaching | Dane's Bio | Resources | Home | Contact